Ugly, Perfect Read online

  "Who said it was a boy?" She asks, and honestly its cute how she thinks I'm dumb.

  "Because you only get flustered when you have a crush. Who was it."

  "Um…" She fidgets her keys from hand to hand and looks anywhere but at me.

  "Seriously Kyra. Who?" I ask and my voice is concerned now. She would only act this way over two guys that I can think of and she wouldn’t go there. "Not, um Kendal right? If he is bugging you Kyra just tell him you'll block him."

  She laughs. "Oh please Mal, I wouldn’t answer that dickbags call in an emergency, let alone to get to you." We get in the car and she hooks her iPod up for music. "Look I don't know girl code with this so I am just gonna say it. It was that guy Nick Fairfield."

  I relax immediately, the fear she would say D got to her too, had me scared. He was in an MC and I wouldn’t believe for a minute he couldn’t find a way to get to me in this small town if he really wanted. Hell, Keri Fairfield had my families landline number.

  "There is no girl code on Nick. Should there be? I can add it in the best friend handbook if needed, but I need a reason why he is off limits." I knew why, but I wanted her to tell me that she gave my number to Dante and not Keri Fairfield.

  "Well… Dante is his closest friend Mal and I know how much you liked him. I don't want this to be something that makes you hurt or unhappy." I love her so much in this moment and I will do anything to help her see that she and Nick have nothing to do with my few hours in the presence of a man from my dreams.

  "Kyra, seriously one has nothing to do with the other. And it was a few hours and we talked some deep talk is all. I promise, eat that boy up all you want." I refuse to acknowledge that the minute she said Nick's name I had a glimmer of hope they were in Friday Harbor.

  "Don't lie to me Mal, I know you too well. You guys shared something and I get it. Love at first sight type of shit. Normal people feel those sort of things Mal, you aren't a typical girl. You are lead by the nose with logic and he defies it in every sense of the world. It explains the momentary obsession."

  Sometimes a best friend was a blessing and curse for the same reason, and the reason was knowledge. Knowledge of how you tick and Kyra knew how I ticked. "Maybe. Look regardless, like I said one has nothing to do with the other."

  The car fell quiet of chatter, but music blared from the speakers as we pulled into the ferry yard and paid for long term parking. Once we were seated on an outside bench and the ferry was a good five hundred yards from the port, another text from D came through.

  D: Are you going to Anacortes with Kyra?

  "Oh you lying snot Kyra! I could kill you!" I say and groan out loud.

  "What? Why?" She looks the part of shocked sweet dumb friend, but she knows damn well why I am mad.

  "Is Nick meeting you in Anacortes?" I ask and I leave no room for her games, my tone is edged in anger.

  "Yes, perhaps…" I hand her my phone unable to use words to describe my nightmare.

  "I am not getting off this ferry Kyra." I stand and walk to the railing debating jumping off and swimming back to safety. "I have no desire to be some taken guys side piece. Jesus, do you ever think Kyra?" I can't hide my anger. I am not the wild child like her. I don't know what I am, but I am not wild and I survive and get by just fine by doing me.

  "You will get off this ferry Mallory June Wayne, and you will talk to Dante and at least hear him out." She tried, I give her that. She wants to adult right now, and adulting isn't really Kyra's thing.

  "And what if it's a set up Kyra? They are bikers for God's sake!" I want to pull my hair out, but my long blonde hair is tucked under a ball cap. "What if there is like a hundred and fifty biker babes ready to biker beat my ass?"

  "Oh my God, you're delusional Mal. Do you hear yourself?"

  "They are in an MC Kyra!"

  "Please Mal, it’s a bike enthusiast thing. They aren't running dope and guns."

  I realize then how much D did trust me. I knew what he did in that 'club' and Kyra had no fucking clue. I don't know why I didn't tell her. Maybe I knew D was that integral to my life, maybe it was just a crush. Either way, in that moment my loyalty was to him.

  "Besides, I have been messing around with Nick for two summers Mal. I was underage and that's why nobody, even you, knew about it."

  "What the actual fuck Kyra? Why would you hide that from me?" This is getting out of hand as I think of her sneaking around for two years behind my back, possibly hanging out with D… I hate the thought. Like, a lot.

  "Because I want to enjoy being bad! God, Mal you are so obsessed with leaving Friday Harbor, you forgot to enjoy life. It has fueled you for your entire life. Hell, watching you relax with Dante was nice for a change. You lived a little. So do it again this weekend!"

  Her words throw me because Kyra isn't the lecture type, but also because she was right. "You know you don't have a reason to be mad at him Mal. He didn't offer you anything at all. You won't answer him because you are being an entitled brat. It didn't go your way so you waste no time forgetting it existed. Did you ever once think he might be meant to be, just as a friend?"

  By the time we made it to the port at Anacortes we were waging I silent war and hadn't spoke for the last hour. I watch as she pulls out her old Mariners snapback hat down over her chestnut shoulder length hair and applies a soft shimmering natural lip gloss. Kyra was naturally beautiful, thin but curvy, petite in height and a natural charisma that drew anyone in.

  I was curvy, taller at five foot seven and I wore a lot of black and chose humor over emotion. My winning features were my big grey eyes, long lashes and plump lips. I wasn't in the model body like Kyra, I was in the average one. It didn't matter now anyway because I saw both Nick and Dante as we exited the ferry. Kyra looked over at me and tugged my arm and looked at me with a soft smile. "Time to live my sweet innocent Mal." She hugged me and I knew she was right and hugged her back.

  "I love you Kyra." I say and she hugged me tighter. "Love you too, Crazy."

  I laugh and shoo her forward as she took off running to Nick. I watched D, standing there making no effort to come to me. His arms were folded and he wore a light blue T-shirt with the rugged fitting blue jeans again. He wore his leather vest and his bandana was in his side pocket next to a chain for his wallet.

  I smiled and thank goodness he smiled back.

  I pass Kyra and Nick, my eyes on D. "Hey D."

  "Emjay." He says and then smiles much bigger and pulls me in for a hug and that scent of his shampoo and cologne and the road and the bay… it is intoxicating. I feel like that silly teenage girl again, in the arms of the unattainable and desirable D.

  "You are coming with me, on a ride and we are gonna eat and hang while they go fuck." I hear the graphic word and flinch, reminded of when he told me he could get pussy anywhere.

  "Okay." I cringe when I look back at Kyra tongue deep into Nicks mouth. Even disgusted by the display, I wish D wanted me like that. I dissolve that thought as fast as it entered my mind.

  I follow him not too far to where their bikes are and I see his chopper for the first time. The black paint looked like ceramic glass and the chromes was so bright I had to shield my eyes from the suns glare on it. He reached into the side saddle bag and pulled out a round basic helmet and handed it to me while he tied his bandana to his head. This one was pale blue to match his shirt.

  I found it cute, but said nothing.

  I put the helmet on and was about to snap the buckle when D took over.

  "It's backwards." He says and pulls it off and turns it around, laughing as he situates it over my head. He starts working the buckle and asks me if it's too tight.

  "No" I say and look up at him.

  That same hazel stare of his is on mine and the moment is electric, just like last time. Suddenly he taps the front of the helmet with his fingertips and smiles. "Good. Hop on my bike Emjay."

  We stayed on the beach long enough to watch the sunset and if I thought our connection was strong before i
t was solidified now. I wanted so bad to ask him what he was feeling. I don't though because men aren't much for emotions. Kendal hated when I wanted to talk about anything with more depth than a spoon. D was capable of a philosophical conversation and I loved that about him. He would talk books, music, religion… the death penalty. We didn't agree on everything, but it was a different kind of awesome to have an opinion that people weren't demanding I agree to, but one I felt with conviction.

  He didn't hide the fact that there was someone back home that wanted him in her life, had been there. He had asked for space and knowing that I immediately felt foolish about questioning his behavior.

  "Can I ask you something?" I know he will say yes, but I ask any way out of politeness.

  "You can ask me anything Emjay." He was on his back looking at the stars, but sits up on his elbow and rolls to his hip. "I am curious of what you think about."

  I laugh. "Really?"

  "I wonder about your thoughts and what you are doing way more than I should after a night of talking weeks ago. Who the fuck knows what I'll be thinking after tonight."

  I love, absolutely love knowing he was thinking of me even if it was as friends. To know I made and left an impression with him is special to me. "That night, why did you say that the timing sucked if you were split from your girlfriend?"

  He doesn’t answer at first, just looks off in thought. "What I am about to say may come off as inappropriate."

  "Okay, I'll keep it in mind." I say and wait on baited breath.

  "I feel connected to you Emjay, since the minute I watched you scream for Kyra at that fire. I knew about you through her and knew your boyfriend was a dick, but seeing you hurt undid something in me and I wanted nothing more than to take that pain away. That was before we spoke, once I got to know you I wanted you." He looks at me then, his eyes so fierce and alarms inside me go off warning me that he is exactly what I refuse to believe. It's fate or kismet or cosmos I don't know, but it is real.

  "You are so beautiful and young, but you are nothing like what you appear to be. You have this reckless way of thinking, so tuned in to logic, that when its emotional you become this entirely different and crazy person. I have no clue what you'll say next and its intriguing and amazing and annoying all at once." He laughs and looks away from me, back out to the water. "I want to bring that crazy out and tell logic to fuck off, Emjay."

  His voice wasn't flirty or breathy, he was serious. He wanted me.

  "You want me." It is a statement, not a question. "Logically, I should have asked you that but, my emotional side says I know it as fact."

  "I do, but I have no business entangling myself with something untouchable Emjay." He looks pained and regretful and I hate it. I throw logic and rationality out the window.

  I take his hand in mine and place it over my heart, which is beating through my chest at being so bold. I know though, I know he won't reject me. More importantly, I know because I can't reject him either. "Then don't consider me untouchable D."

  He cups the side of my face in his hand and this time there is no hesitation as he kisses me. It is soft, but slow. He isn't fighting himself now. His tongue meets mine and fireworks explode on my skin, chills from head to toe as I take in all of him I can.

  I feel everything in this moment. I feel the breeze off the sea, I feel his breath against my lips, his touch on my neck as he pulls me closer. I hear the soft words he mumbles after placing soft kisses along my jaw. "Tell me to stop Emjay."

  "Hell no." I say and he chuckles, then groans.

  He lays back and scrubs his hands over his face, but I follow and lay half hazard over his chest and kiss the scruff of his goatee. "What are you thinking?" I ask, seeing the fight he is waging with himself.

  "Just thinking about the choices I am making."

  "That's evasive D." I sit up, no longer safe in his arms.

  He sits up and looks at me. "I need to go home and sort shit out before I can really touch you Emjay. I am a lot of things, but I'm not the dirtbag type like your ex. I need to be honest with Jess and tell her we are truly over."

  "Wait, you mean you want to keep me around?" I never played with the notion, it was too depressing.

  "Well yea." He says incredulously and kisses me sweetly on my lips. I savor it as best I can. I commit everything he says and does into memory. "I come out here enough I don't think it would be too difficult, semi long distance. I figure we can see where it goes and then decide the next step."

  "I'm only here for six more weeks before I head to Colorado." I hate admitting it, knowing I am the one causing the problem and once again I am left to think our being friends, or whatever we are, was a mistake that would screw us both up. "I don't want you to let her go for something I can't give you."

  He laughs without humor. "I can't go back and pretend though Emjay. I know she isn't it for me, if she was I wouldn’t feel this." He takes my hand and places it over his chest, then places his over mine. "This connection unraveled any thought I had about being with her."

  I felt hope, so much hope. "Do you go to Colorado at all?"

  He shakes his head no. "We have a chapter there so it's rare. We come through Washington because of Nicks family and small towns help business. That's all I can really tell you though."

  I nod, understanding right then that he was in Friday Harbor on business I wanted no part of. I should question his dealings, I should question this insane attachment to him. But, I don't. I want him in a way that overrides logic and common sense.

  "Look luv, its six weeks and in that six weeks I will do everything I can to sway you to an Indiana school or at the very least Seattle." He kissed me before I could respond and thoughts of him being mine were all I could see anyway, I had no clue that foolishly I trusted blindly to a connection that would forever burn me.

  I will look back on this moment with regret and hope, sadness and joy… love and hate. And I will never understand why. Why we crossed paths? Why he was meant to talk to me? Why I was meant to be his friend? Why destroy us both for nothing?

  Chapter four

  Present Day

  Seattle WA

  Me: So I have decided if you want to read it, then I require your input on it.

  I sent the message to D as I sat at my desk, struggling to make sense of so many thoughts. D was impossible to write and even more impossible to try and flourish with details. He was brooding and silent when he was thinking hard. He was a joker and funny and would use jokes to cover most anything serious. I figured this could be a win-win. Maybe I could get an insight into his thoughts over the years, our hardest and best times. Maybe I could get closure in it to.

  We had hurt each other enough that we finally settled on what and who we are today. I made choices that made me impossible to love, and he made choices that made him impossible to trust. But even then we had varying degree's of our broken bond that kept us trusting and loving between one another. There were no lies. We knew who we were to one another and it is a curse.

  D: Will you pay me? Lol, I accept all major forms of tit pics.

  Me: What's that saying? A picture is worth a thousand words?

  D: That's a win for me. Every thousand you write, I get a picture of your tits. Deal.

  I laugh because he is funny and always has been.

  Me: Every thousand you give me. I need your word in this. Otherwise you may end up with a teeny tiny pee pee.

  D: LOL you wouldn’t dare.

  Me: I would. Picture it now. Big bad biker, packing a teeny tiny pistol.

  My phone rings and I am really laughing. "Knew I could get you on the phone with that."

  His laughter over the phone, still does things to me. True joy from D is a seldom thing these days, so I cherish the sound. "I don't know what you need from me. You know the story as best I do."

  "Yeah, but to have your voice in it would be nice. There is so much from your side and your life that I don't know."

  I can hear him thinking, I swear to Go
d. "Mal, we have hashed it out. You know what went down and that's enough. I trust you, you write amazing and this will be no different."

  "I get it, I do. But any light I paint you in the reader will only have my opinion and your vagueness."

  We had never hashed it out like he thinks. I never knew how it went down. I needed that side from him, because without it, I can't explain how I still trust him above all others.

  "Let's see… I destroyed you, then my life self destructed bit by bit. This story sounds fuckin epic luv."

  His dry humor pisses me off. "It's a thesis on us. I have spent more time than anyone person should, dissecting love and hate and they both bring me to you every time!"

  "You have it all in front of you though!" He snaps and I want to pull his hair out. "All the pieces to this fucking puzzle are right there in your head, but the structure is off. You cannot make our story glorious Emjay. It's fucked up luv."

  "Why are you fighting me on this?" He lives for me reassuring him how much we loved, so his distance in it makes no sense. "You're hiding something."

  "I had a world of shit going on while you were dissecting our love and over thinking every single fucking thing. You couldn’t let it be, couldn’t breathe and all the while you were staring danger down blind to it. So don't get on a high horse now and tell me I am hiding shit. What truths I know, that you don't, benefit you. Trust me on that."

  His words chilled me to my bones, not easy to do these days. "What are you talking about?"

  "I need to go." He says and drops the call, leaving me to dissect everything he said.

  I would spend the same amount stressed over his bullshit, that he spent on leaving me hanging.

  Chapter five

  March 2010

  Boulder CO

  "Mal, I can't believe you have no news! How have you not had the talk, let alone sex? What the hell are you guys doing when he visits." Kyra I knew would be her usual self, the same as she always is when she visits. Have you had sex yet? Has he told you he loves you? The answers are always the same though and it frustrates her.