Never Me (TAT: A Rocker Romance #5)

  Copyright © 2016 by Melanie Walker

  All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof

  may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever

  without the express written permission of the publisher

  except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

  Printed in the United States of America

  First Printing, 2016

  ISBN

  Dedication

  For the daughter in my heart,

  Katie-

  And the beauty of second chances.

  Because love isn't always a onetime deal,

  You taught me,

  That getting back up isn't the hardest part,

  But the best!

  I am so proud of you~

  Acknowledgements

  I can only acknowledge the readers here for making TAT such a loved series and being loyal, faithful and at times pissed off on my deadlines, but still reading.

  Jerame Sorenson for being Jerame and a never ending buffer, to the kids so I can write. Soundboard so I don't go crazy with an idea, and loving me regardless of my attitude when in crunch time. You are loyal through and through, I love you Monkey.

  To Treydn, Presleigh-Rae, Skylar, Kysar, Hannah and Armani.

  You are truly the best kids, mine or his doesn’t matter because love is love and we have a ton.

  Momma loves you!

  To TAT

  I want to say that this series leaves a hole of sadness in me at saying goodbye to the TAT world. Yes, you will make appearances in the PIT series, but my life for the last six years has been you and I am sad to see you end.

  I hope I did right by you and told your tales perfectly. Please, Noah please, go easy on me from here on out. I did as you asked and I got you through, be nice to me when I enter the PIT world. And help me make Sully happy again.

  I love you guys so much…

  ~Mel

  Playlist

  NF~ Mansions

  Blink~ 182 Miss you

  Blue October~ Hate me

  DNCE~ Cake by the Ocean (my kids picked this)

  Alice In Chains~ Would (unplugged)

  Five Finger Death Punch~ Hard to See

  AC/DC~ Hells Bells

  Awolnation~ I'm n Fire

  Susie Suh Robot Koch~ Here with Me

  Hinder~ Up all Night

  Breaking Benjamin~ Breath

  Pink Floyd~ Wish you were here

  Disturbed~ Sound of Silence

  The Airborne Toxic Event~ Graveyard Near the House

  Hinder~ Thing for You

  Breaking Benjamin~ Failure

  Amber Run~ I found

  Breaking Benjamin~ Dance with the Devil

  Damien Juarado~ Everything Trying

  30 Seconds to Mars~ The Kill

  NF~ Wake Up

  Pink and Nate Ruess~ Just give me a reason

  Five Finger Death Punch~ Battleborn

  Red~ Pieces

  I'm barricaded inside so stop watching

  I'm not coming to the door so stop knocking, stop knocking

  I'm trapped here, God keeps saying I'm not locked in

  I chose this, I am lost in my own conscience

  NF~ Mansions

  Prologue

  Noah

  There is no way to really start this story. My story really has no beginning and no ending. Its like I was plucked from non-existence and dropped smack dab into the worst possible nightmare. I am not sure if I ever felt a moment of comfort or love from my parents, my sister I have, but from the ones that created me I don’t think I did. When you go your entire life not feeling the shelter of a parents love, I think even if for only a second if it was present it would be unforgettable, even to an infant.

  I tell my sister a different story of course. I tell her about a mother who loved us with every fiber of her being until her very last breath but I honestly have no idea if she did. I have lied to Carrie her entire life to shelter her the way our parents should have. Reaching for the white lie of our mother being a saint didn’t seem like a big deal, turns out though, that little lie saved what ounce of faith Carrie had in humanity and she was able to rise from the flames of our hell.

  I had nobody to lie to me, but even if I did I am too fucking jaded to have believed their bullshit. No, my entire life I have seen only the worst this world has to offer. I live in a reality that whatever joy comes your way, to cherish it because it will be ripped from you at any possible second.

  I know this because I have had very few joys in this world and they are all tainted or destroyed in some way.

  Take my sister for instance. She lives by the code of trust that I taught her. She continues to have the hope that I have never had. There are so many times over our life where she told me time and time again that I am good, strong and worthy of great things. There are so many times that I wanted to believe her.

  I had that happiness, that good and sweet, temperamental and crazy love. Right now though, I can’t explain the pain in my chest as I look at a picture. Her picture. My brain starts this flicker of memories and a time I was so happy I could only think the fates were jinxing me. Then in a blink, like the flutter of butterfly wings she was gone. And I am left to wonder where my heart goes now.

  I cannot move forward without going back. I do not want to go back. I am scared of very few things in this world, but my past is something to bring on the cold sweats and break me into a ball of rage and pain.

  The trapdoors I call them, the ones containing all of the fury and pain, they need to be broken open. I have fought against it for too long and now I face my own death or my own redemption. I face the fact she will never be back and I accept the moment I broke when Cal told me exactly what I needed to live.

  “Because I don’t fucking care. You are all better off without me.” The whole room dropped silent as I finally told the truth. For the first time in months Shame turned his head from me unable to watch me die. “She was what made me whole and that woman is gone and no matter how hard I fight this darkness, it is what it is and she is fucking gone!” I was yelling in jumbled slurs and trying to focus through bloodshot eyes.

  “Yeah? Well she must be turning over in her grave seeing you like this.” That moment changed my life. I was beyond the rage and anger as I threw everything I had into making him hurt, and feel an ounce of the pain I feel so that he could understand. We are now fully on one another, punches flying as I try to beat sense into him and he tries to shut me up. Sam, Shame, and Chad are breaking us up and Chad is holding Cal from behind with his arms looped through his when Tayla steps in and starts begging Cal to stop.

  “Stop baby this is ridiculous.” She begs and tries to comfort him and I know in that moment my need for him to see my side is something I pray never happens. He finally has what I had and I don't wish this on anyone.

  “No I am fucking done.” He say’s and looks beyond her shoulder so I can see me. “Done! You son of a bitch! You want to die you do it alone because I no longer want to see it. I will mourn my friend and consider you dead the day Candey died because that is a hell of a lot easier to accept than this. You are out of the band, your wasted ass is a fucking liability anymore and I am fucking done writing excuses for you!”

  “You don’t excuse shit Calvin!” He sneers and try to break free of Sam and Shame. “You refuse to let anything go! I begged to not come back to TAT. I told you I needed simple for the time being but you push and push!”

  “No you want us to pad your fucking landing Noah. You want to have every excuse to know you arent alone but refuse to let us in. It is a sad thing to watch you blow it all away and I am done with it. You are a fucking junkie!
You want that filthy brown shit in your veins more than music or the blood that has loved you all your life. You want to stay frozen in time because you cant fathom life without her and I know it's why you use, but of all of us Candey would have dumped your ass in seconds flat if she knew you were shooting up. She wouldn’t let you waste away like this and I won't either. You disgrace her and how deep she loved you by giving up, so from here out do it on your own!”

  “Oh well hey, thanks for the pep talk dad!” I say and I know, fuck I know he is right. I laugh with no humor and look away.

  “You want a pep talk?” He asks, and pushes Chad hard enough Chad lets him go. “You get in my Jeep right now without a moment's pause and you let me take you to rehab. It’s that or I cut you off. I am that fucking done because next time no one will come save you after you get beat near to death!”

  The room falls to an eerie silence at Cal’s demand. I stare at him, shocked by the choice he gives me. Risk it all or lose it all.

  “That's what I thought.” He says and takes Tayla by the hand. “Let’s go.”

  I waited until he left before I made the choice to risk it all and face the demons that are dragging me to hell.

  That’s one of the many doors I fear opening. Doors that are closed and locked and barricaded in for a reason. What I share with you, will make your skin crawl, and sadly I haven’t even scratched the surface.

  My name is Noah Beckett, and this is my story. There will be moments I disgust you, I will undoubtedly break your heart. I am a master of making ugly even worse but I can bring out beauty in the worst of all things. I do not judge, I would have answered to a bullet a long time ago if I did. You may not like my choices or the things I say and the way I live, but you will respect it because I have earned it.

  Prologue

  “Noah, just stop. I’m okay.” My little sister says as I try to lift her from the ground and carry her to my car. Our demon from hell father had raped her vicious body for the last 14 years in some form, and tonight was no exception. Tonight was possibly the worst he has ever been.

  “Can you walk?” I ask her and take the stairs to my room two at a time. I have been waiting prepared for this night and everything we own, which isn’t much is packed in duffle bags upstairs. I reach the bags and race back down the steps hopping from the fifth up and landing on the ground feet first.

  “Yes I can walk, but Noah can you drive? He hit you so many times.” She reaches to the gash along my forehead but I swat her hand away.

  “I can't feel anything right now and that’s why we gotta head now.”

  I had adrenaline rushing through me at mock speed right now but it was just a matter of time before I completely caved in to the pain. We weren’t going far, we were headed to our Aunt and Uncles in Gig Harbor Washington, about an hour or so out of Seattle.

  He wasn’t gonna dare come find us though. I made damn sure when I stepped over his crumpled body and left my note with a video of his recent offences against my sister and I. Besides he wouldn’t go looking in Gig. He and our mom both were born and raised in Gig Harbor the restaurant that Carrie and I inherit in adulthood is there, amongst a few chains throughout the greater Northwest. Dad knew how much we hated The Joint, but also Aunt Lilly and Uncle Seth were the ones running the business since mom died.

  I almost hoped he would come looking, I’d fucking kill him. As I got behind the wheel of my crappy car I looked at our beautiful home, seeing the structure so magnificent, the landscaping so beautiful, nobody would ever guess the secrets behind that door. I looked at that house and knew, knew he wouldn’t dare to try and find us. I had copies with Sam Sullivan, my only friend and the copies with me as well would be placed strategically should anything happen to me and my sister.

  “Where will we live Noah?” Carrie asks me and from the corner of my eye I see her shift uncomfortably in the seat beside me. She is in pain and I can only imagine what her memories feel like. He’d force me to watch him rape her, he would force her to watch him beat me. It was a game to him to gain her submission by using me against her. ‘Be a good girl Caroline and daddy will go easy on Noah…’

  She would beat herself up because he never went easy on me, no matter how pliant and willing she appeared.

  “I rented a loft above a Tattoo shop and if Uncle Seth and Aunt Lilly sign a waiver I can apprentice there.”

  “Why can’t we stay with them Bubba? They would protect us?”

  “I’ll protect you Carrie. Trust me yeah?”

  She placed her hand over mine and squeezed gently. “Always Bubba.”

  There was no way I was ever trusting anyone with our lives. It was us against the world and I swore then and there that I would do whatever it took to make sure we were never hurt again.

  Where are you and I'm so sorry

  I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight

  I need somebody and always

  This sick strange darkness

  Comes creeping on so haunting every time

  Blink 182~ I miss you

  Chapter One

  Noah

  The PIT was a dream come true. This shop was the epitome of any artists dream. I looked around the dim lit space, at the six spots surrounding the space. I looked at the artwork that we had painted on the concrete. I had called in Chad and some of the guys I trusted from Slave to help make it ours. Sully did a mural in Japanese style that took up the North wall, his corner lined with three different chairs was the largest spot in the shop. We let each of the artists paint their room anyway they wanted to and encouraged them to display their best work as art. In the center of the room was a few leather couches, a bad ass 91’ Sony Curve 4k television that defined Hi Def. The front desk was beside the door, sweet girl named Dali worked there and was hoping to apprentice under Sully someday. Behind her, a room that was fully enclosed and was used solely for body piercings, dermal’s, branding and implants.

  I walk through turning on the lights, flipping the tv on to my favorite local news station and head to the front counter to get the computer and register up and running. I look at the artists books for the day, I have finishing work to a back piece on one of my oldest clients Steve McRay, who was my first paying client so many years ago. The next week will be more of the same, finishing work or the smaller fine line tats that my clients had booked knowing that the tour was coming up soon. The next week would be a busy one for my shop.

  I think of going back out on tour and a ball of fear ebbs in my gut and I close my eyes and breathe. I am only six months sober and I don’t know if I have pushed myself to hard? I question if I can give it the heart it deserves, that our fans deserve? Fans who have been loyal as a saint. I think of how simple it is to be here, in the shop laying ink. This life was the life I both wanted and knew no matter what I could achieve it. Music was a passion, I need it, I sweat it, drink it, eat it and live it. I always knew we were good, but I was realistic and tattooing had always been my back up plan. Never in a million years did I think we would be where we are today.

  It has surpassed my wildest dreams.

  I had no choice but to be logical and rational growing up, hell it was what kept me and my sister sane. She needed the fairytale worlds I created to feel safe, not me. I needed reason and logic to survive. Every fight with the sadistic prick we had as a father, I had to weigh the logic and reason and wait patiently until the time was right to run. Those tools are no less important now, as I face yet another life changing moment.

  I go to my booth and stop short, my mural is of the truest love. My girl… Candey loved pin-ups and she also loved being a statement. So I made her one. Dressed in a skimpy sailor’s outfit saluting with one hand and holding a sign that said my name, there she was. I specialized in photo realism and this pin up was the best of my career. It was exact and she was the reason I once chose this life as an artist over the life as a rock star.

  This shop was different, but there were a few that had the same security. Where once I had wanted to be su
ccessful as a tattooer as I am today, a lot of it has to do with the fact the majority of requests for me are of fans and fangirls. I had to up my price hourly and start charging for consults just to thin the heard, until I stopped accepting new clients all together unless there was a damn good reason behind it.

  My thoughts are distracted by a text coming through on my phone. I look at the clock on the wall, it’s like eight after seven in the morning. Only two people I know who are up and going ready for business at this hour and have been since probably five. I look at my phone and smile seeing Tayla’s name on my screen. I was right, she and Cal both are workaholics.

  Tay: Hey can I meet with you this morning? I have the terms for the tour I need to go over them with you in person?

  Me: Depends

  Tay: On???

  Me: On whether or not I’m gonna be pissed or not

  Tay: Won’t know unless you meet with me

  Me: Touché, brat! I should have time after one pm. Can you come to the shop?

  Tay: I'll be there

  I flip the sign on up front a few minutes before eight and put some music on in the background, clicking on Thick as Thieves on my Pandora stations. I hum along as a flip through an Inked magazine listening to Chad hit every note as he sings Cold as Stone.

  Is it cocky to listen to my band’s music? Maybe, but I’m curious of the bands that would play on our Pandora station. I smile to myself for thinking like Cal. He would be so proud.

  The sound of church bells from AC/DC’s hells bells tells me that there is someone in my shop. It is just after eight and early for my client, but I rethink my stance on new clients at seeing the hottie at the door.

  Holy shit I couldn’t even talk. I have never stumbled because of a good looking woman. I am Noah Beckett, hell I had been getting tail with no work on my part for over ten years. Hell I have fifty waiting and praying for ten minutes with me at the end of every show… This little pixie though, she took my breath away.